Intentional Lapse of Judgement

Stone Line

2011-08-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

Nothing to hold
Nothing to say
Everything in her
Has turned to gray
No more nothing talk
Til midnight ending in trust
She must fix this, she must

Pain won't stop, it hurts, it hurts
Walking the stone line
Knowing it's all not fine
It's only a sign
It's a matter of time
Pain won't stop, she's numb, she's numb
Content with the dark
She walks the stone line
Knowing it's not far

Wearing black and thinking darker
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Wishing for the day she flies
Drop the soil and a flower
Shed a tear and head in sorrow
Walk the stone line, wait for tomorrow

Pain won't stop, it hurts, it hurts
Walking the stone line
She knows it's only a sign
And God knows it's only a matter of time
She won't stop, She's numb, She hurts
So ready for the dark
She walks the stone line
Away from this world
And into the light

Black dress on the bed
32 bullets and a bottle of Jack
Pillow under the tears
It's over now, nothing to fear
Eyes red, She screams
Out of this world and into the dream
It's only a dream...

The Painting

2011-08-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

He stands up the easel and lifts up a fresh canvas. He sees the picture, the woman he always sees when he closes his eyes. If it weren't for the possible color discrepancies he could paint the image blindfolded.

First he paints the outline of her face, with every stroke is another quality that he has never seen nor anyone else has. With every passing moment his eyes sink deeper into his work. He is no longer holding the brush, it is holding him.

Next in the painting is her figure, he sees it so vividly in his mind. Her body is flawless in his eyes. When she is around, his eyes never stray. With every swipe is another mark of perfection.... This is his painting, he sees it as just that.

Now that the outlines and not so basic features of her has been laid out, he begins to add her color. He may be painting between the lines but in his mind this is no longer a painting.

He is slowing shaping her personality, as he paints her smile.He adds her intellect as he sculpts the expression on her face.Finally the love she has for him, with the way he has her eyes staring right back at him.

After hours of painting that seemed graceful and intricate at the same time, he is finished. She's beautiful. This is a piece of art that will hang on his wall for a very long time...A year goes by and there the painting stands. He keeps it in his room but since he keeps his windows open at night. It has become jaded from the weather outside of their existence.

Afraid to lose the ambiance of the painting he always touches it up when it seems to be compromised. Without knowing it however, he subtly changes each feature trying to keep it the same.

Some time passes and after all minor rectifications the painting is no longer what it used to be. The smile with the temperament may not be the same. The figure that seemed so perfect before is no more than ordinary.

None of this bothers him because the eyes of the painting still look at him the same way. Through all this time and aging, that's all that matters.

One morning he awakes.Walking by that painting he has held so dear for so long. He notices the eyes have finally faded. With tears in his eyes and a brush in hand, he takes a few strokes and covers the eyes.

With the best intentions, he has covered or replaced every blemish that seemed to be perfect before. Her personality has faded over time, so he would fruitlessly try to replicate the colors. The painting is no longer what it was.

Now broken hearted he stares at what his painting has become.He doesn't want to believe it, but his work of art has now once again become an empty canvas...

Hide

2011-08-15T19:16:00.000-07:00

I can't heal this
I've destroyed everything around us
Turn your head, look away
Didn't want you to see this
I'm broken, I'm afraid
Can't let you see me weak
Pride has ruined it all again

Sorry for the sickness
Cannot overcome this
The only cure
Is this addiction to liquor and adrenaline
They're the only things that take the pain away
I wish I knew what was wrong with me
Tired, dizzy, unfocused, lacking morality and direction
Need a name for this infection
Consuming me, I distance myself
From everyone I love
Sorry to all that I love, I can't let you see me like this...

Leave It Behind

2011-05-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

Scream in anger
Shatter the glass
See it's over now or
Live in the past
Stare at the water
Looking for direction
There is no reflection
Ceased to be?
Will you cry for me?

Is your pain worth my life?
When you see the ground where I lay
Will my point finally be made?
Cower, depress, sleep
Wake up, sin, do it over again
See you later, bye
Suffer long before you die

Cry in resentment
Shatter the mirror
Vision of yourself
No longer clear
Its just begun
Followed wherever you run
Hearing the voice
Listening for advice
Proud of your vice?

Was your pain worth my life?
Saw the ground where I lay
Was my point ever fucking made?
Cower, depress, sleep
Wake up, repent, do it over again
See you later, bye
Start anew before I

I tear you apart from the inside
Selfish actions meant for other cries
Don't let me win, it wasn't your fault
Don't let me in, I don't belong
Live your life, I was wrong
My suffering, my end is mine
Forever gone but never far behind

Devil's World

2011-03-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

To be angel in a devil's world

Is to offer your life to a sinner

pray for the mercy of a saint

Look at the suffering, look at the hate

the picture of our lives is discolored and faint

Will you give today away

just to see tonight

out of body, out of sight

I wont see you on the other side

I am the halo above the horns

the scripture thats never sworn

the crying scream

tears and bloodin your sinister dream

I am calling

can you hear me, I'm falling

I wont see you where I fall

Voices piercing your soul

Bringing you to your knees

Don't look up for forgiveness

No one will hear your cries

All you you've ever wanted

all you ever need

is nothing but fire

for your soul to be burned

Mind

2011-03-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

Inhale

Flash

Here I am wandering

Wandering through the mist

Lonely, lost

Wondering, am I missed?

I can see you there

Waiting, watching I scream, help me

You hear me

But you're not listening

As I descend further into the cloud

I realize I need you here

I need you now

Please oh please, won't you see

What's in front of you, what is me

Isn't how it looks, what it seems

Reach your hand out to touch my face

I'm there but you do not feel my place

Wherever this is, you're here

But not with me

Help me

You're here

Flash

Exhale

My eyes in the reflection

Yours behind me

Hand runs down my shoulder

I splash my face with water

Back to bed

Goodnight

3/23 Quote

2011-03-22T21:54:00.000-07:00

"Knowledge is nothing without motivation"

Silence Kill

2011-01-09T14:38:00.000-08:00

You tell me a lie

You must not believe it yourself

It's a different story everytime

Silence is my only way

It kills me inside

Not man enough to put you in your place

I'll disappear

Caught you in lies

No discussion

Seen it in your eyes

You hate me

I understand

I hate you

You should too

Hide The Canvas

2010-11-26T22:47:00.000-08:00

Empty Canvas
Lift the brush and draw
Stoke after stroke
Color fills in
Take the shape, take the look
Paint a masterpiece or paint the sin?
Tonight there is a choice
Be what is thought of the art
Be what it is
Is there a difference?

To say yes is to admit
Created by a fake artist
Painting pictures that will never be true
To get what it wants
What it is after
Leave the painting incomplete
Move on to the next
Everything it wants
But nothing it needs

To say no is to say
It's all an illusion
Interpretation astray
On exhibit for what it wants
And all it needs.
Painting is almost finished
The colors are beautiful

Make-up returned
Mirror shuts
She looks at her reflection
Clears her mind
She's ready to go
The painting is beautiful
But what is the canvas made of?

Once Again

2010-11-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

As I lie in bed
My mind paints your portait
On my ceiling
Eye lids light
Sleep you're stealing
I try not dig
I try to be blind
Of what can be done
Always something I find
It takes my breathe
It takes my life
Turn off your phone
You've stolen tonight...

Will Never (1/2/2008)

2010-11-20T19:58:00.000-08:00

Finish the maker's mark
Never could make it in the light
So i'll stay in the dark
with every drink
the tears fall faster
memories of you gather
when is it going to be taught
that i cant be left alone
with my thoughts

Actions by you
surround my soul
broken and bruised
I will never feel again
Memories of you
controlling my mind
screaming through
I will never dream again
Absence of you
Hollow in heart
Veins are dry
You're out of sight
I will never love again

Shadowed Gray

2010-10-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

Clouds shadow you gray
Hiding the sun
She's ashamed
Of what was done
Beautiful home covered in snow
One open door
Greeting the cold
Mistake or better
Can't escape it's hold
And now she has to go

Clouds shadow us gray
There's nothing left to lose
Nothing we can say
You know the truth
It's written on your face
Written on the letters you left
Given up your family
Given up your friends
Who will you have
When the low road comes to an end?

Clouds shadow me gray
Hiding the sun
Ashamed, of what have I done?
Beautiful home covered in snow
One shut door
Behind my family
Behind my friends
Mistake or better
It's getting cold
Do I have somewhere to go?

Clouds shadow us gray
Do we see the hate?
Can we see the pain?
Compare or relate?
Is there more pain in leaving
Then there is in being left
Our hands stained with blood
Hearts ripped from our chests
For us there's never left

Better Not Have

2010-10-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

have you found your new life
one without addictions and late nights
its too easy to give up, not even try
when your life has been labeled a lie
always looking over your shoulder
waiting for it to happen
can't dodge a shot from behind

You dont want others to know
where you are from?
better not have been there anyways
you dont want others to know
who you have loved?
better not of screwed them anyways
you dont want others to know
what you have done?
better not have done it anyways
better not have done it

wrong after wrong
night after night
you still have to learn
what it is to be right
learn from your mistakes
you can't make anymore
find out what this life is for

You dont want others to know
where you are from?
better not have been there anyways
you dont want others to know
who you have loved?
better not of screwed them anyways
you dont want others to know
what you have done?
better not have done it anyways
better not have done it
better not have done it

Beautiful Getaway (11/16/07)

2010-10-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

You're so beautiful
Get away from me
I can't go on like this
Let you see me bleed
You're smile and persona
Great until you take away
Your morals and respect of self

The marks on your wrists says Pray for me
Pray for you I willRun away I must
Images of you in my mind
Chased away like wind moving dust

At your desire (6/20/07)

2010-10-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

this is a scene i know all to well
when is it going to happen
time will only tell
ive seen these signs before
followed by a closing door
you say you want to be free
what happened to you
and your feelings for me

now you seem so distant
you never look at me
the pain you give is instant
just let me in on your secret
please dont make me seek it
you've known it from the start
you're getting closer
to finally breaking my heart

any pain you aquire
given to me at your desire
your problems become mine
i can be the one to cry
what did i do wrong
how can i make it better
you're always more than sad
all i do is make you mad
let me give you my light
so you can begin to shine
ill stay in the dark
and know that it's time

10/27/10 Quote

2010-10-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

It's easier to see into the light from the dark than it is to see into the dark from the light...

Erased

2010-10-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

The Autumn of trees fall to the grass
Oh how the seasons come and they pass
She's a lost soul writer and nothing to show
White picket fence and a porch table note
A declaration, a direction for her to go
A misinterpretation, no elation
He finds her in a different state
She lets him stay
But she's moving again, moving again. go

Another page ripped from the record books
Omitted from the story, No Second look
It isn't working now, it never worked then
She's writes everything she wants in ink
She plays him, thrown in the water, sink
She writes his story but drops the pen
Picks up a pencil and thinks of when
Never had a tear for him, only in another's bed
She needs to hide him, only deserving of lead.

Handled

2010-10-21T15:26:00.000-07:00

Broken down lost his crown
What will become of him
Settle down lose the frown
Hatred bred by sin
Life hits him hard
But its never the last card
Dealt in the gamble
It kills him but
Less than he can handle

Look inside yourself for no one else, it's you
What once was lost is always found within, it's true
Rise up into the mirror, read the face
Break down what's left and rebuild in it's place

Rise up and show your smile
She lives with her lips
Make up, she's in denial
Different hands on the hips
She says they're all the same
Actions force them away, who's to blame?
Cry to a new silhouette
Change your mind? Never
See what you get

Look inside yourself, it's everyone but you
What once was lost can't be found in him, it's true
Rise up in the mirror, tears down your face
Is there anything left? Just another empty space.

Burning up, dry in the rain outside
He sees everything lost in the distance
For an instance she flashes in his eyes
To his surprise and her demise
Love is lost, He looks at the ground
A place to rebuild is found...

Kissing the Prince.

2010-10-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

He's a frog thats been kissed with no luck.
You can kiss a prince but he may not be out to fuck.
When will you believe in reality?
At first glance your mind says this man's a threat.
The thought was killed by inquisitive thrills.
Now girl you've made your bed.

The hurt is so fresh in mind.
Fresh in mind.
A poor judgment, cold inside.
Cold inside.
The decisions been made.
Enjoy where you've laid.
Cause your regret will tear you from the inside. The inside.

I'd like to say I hate you.
I'd love to say I don't know you.
Now that your shadow's gone let me forget you.
Liquor fueled nights based on lifelong fights have a shortlived remedy with you.
Your problem's bred by low esteem and a random's lips taste so familiar.

The hurt is so fresh in mind.
Fresh in mind.
A poor judgement, cold inside.
Cold Inside.
The decisions been made.
Enjoy getting laid.
Cause your regret will kill you from the inside. The inside.

What will you do when you're dying inside?
Cause your infected with them and no cure in sight.

The life you picked was so selfish, you found.
Now look at me from the ground.
Beg. Cry. Fall Apart.
Plead for forgiveness like I want you to.
Beg. Cry. Fall Apart.
What's that? I can't hear you.
No longer fear you

The decision's been made.
Enjoy where you've laid.
He was once a great man but so easily damaged from inflicted pain.
You've soiled a life and planted your disease.
Live what you call a life.
Forever trapped and never freed.

Red Eyes

2010-09-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

You told a lie to kill me inside
Are you happy now knowing that my heart has died?
You're now the red in my eyes
The disease in my life
The pain in my heart
I wish we could go back to the start
And never have begun

The songs that you sung
The lyrics you never followed
Abuse my depth, show your shallow

Thank you for the fake in my smile
The Agony in my scream
Happiness and me?
You're in between
It's all so hard to believe
That I ever let you in

Take the knife
Plunge it into my chest
Twist it, watch me bleed
Everything I've done for you
Everything you've seen
Is all out there on display
You didn't even turn around
You ran away
Goodbye

Fade

2010-09-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

Eyes open, turn, there's you
Hand through your hair, across your cheek
Fingers run along your lips, there's you
I see the way the light shines through the window
Hit your features in such a way
I'm amazed, inspired
Want to be better for you
I smile, I go to touch your face one more time
Body to Shadow, Shadow to fade
Hand falls to the bed
You're gone, goodbye...

Wilt

2010-08-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

Let me in
Let me go
What will we become?
Because of you we'll never know

I see you in front of me
Eyes closed, teeth of a smile
I break down my walls, while
You put up yours

Here I lay on the ground
Beaten in the heart
Beaten in the soul
What will we become?
We'll never know

What do you want from me?
I'll never know
Honesty fades with your eyes
Whatever is left
It Withers and dies...

Open Ended Ending

2010-08-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

Open and ended
Closed and never begun
My eyes red and tearing
Your eyes closed, dry
The words you never say
Awaken my fears inside
I'm showing up so
Show me some thought
How do I bring it to light
It'll only spawn a fight
Live with it
Enjoy your indifference
It's only I that will hurt...

Low

2010-08-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I made a big mistake today
I told you that I cared for your time and space
Everyone said I should've walked away
I didn't listen
Now I'm broken, been replaced

In my mind
I am gone
There's only you
No more I, no more us
Only you and the pain you put me through
I shouldn't have to be this low

I made a big mistake today
I tried again looking for your heart and my place
You're a blank eyed, fake smiled deceiver
Still I can't listen when they tell me to leave her

In my mind
I am gone
No more I, no more us
Only you and the pain you put me through
I shouldn't have to be this low

Yeah

In my mind
I am gone
No more I, no more us
Only you and the pain you put me through
I shouldn't have to be this low

The pain you put me through

Is your smile true?
I shouldn't have to feel this low

Shattered

2010-08-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

For so long I've been running away from the pain
So you decide to stop me
Turn me the other way
Because in this life
Happiness is only found in the middle of what you're afraid of
Can I live my life knowing you can take it away?
Yes I Can and soon you will too

I was starting to think I had fell in love
Falling hard and sinking, drowning cold
Steal the fear from my soul
Pretend to care
And leave the hole

Make me hollow
Nothing but a shell
For you to shatter
Get on with it...Break me... Get on with it
Break me
I know this is what you want
Break me
This was my plan all along
Break me so I can never be put back together
I'm screaming for you now
Shatter me now
Break me

My New House

2010-08-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided it’s time for a change, So I went out and rented a house today. I brought all my stuff there, it’s a real nice place and everything is just the way I want it. There’s only one problem. The landlord didnt tell me that I would have a roommate.

Every time I’m home, He is home. Every time I leave, he follows. I can’t even look him in the eye, he is the exact opposite of everything I am, Everything I stand for. I wish he would just leave me alone, but I’m stuck with him. He better change soon or I don’t know what I’ll do.

Now that a couple months have passed, I figured by now it would be different. I thought that I would be able to live with this person or they would change and everything would be alright. Well nothing has changed, It even makes me sick the way he stares me down, judging and critiqueing everything I do. I can’t deal with this much longer. I need a change...

I guess it was a bad idea to live in a house of mirrors...

This Is Real

2010-07-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

July Tenth
Tonight is my night of question
I wake up next to you
Reading your eyes, tasting your lips
Bodies touching, hands on your hips
Your voice wants to speak
Breathe, speak, wait
Three seconds of delay
Smile at the end of the wait
Lips meet, hearts ignite
Didn't have to wait for tonight

See my heart
See you're there?

I can't stop staring

Laughing with your humor
On to a grin and admire
Vivid smile on your face
Effortless Grace

Your figure makes my heart race
Our lips meet again, My heart is
Undoubtedly yours...

Trading Happiness for Happiness

2009-10-08T15:23:00.000-07:00

Wake up
Smile at my reflection
These days I've been better
The bad is back then
Eager for tomorrow, loving today
But I've met you I'm afraid

Come home
I look at myself
Polish the mirror
And see me new, different
Better for you, better for us
Here's to the future
Goodbye to me
Time to sleep

Wake up
Smile at your picture
These days are for you
And my pursuit
Of your praise
Here's to change
Here's to you

Back home
Polish the mirror
Shatter the glass
Watch my soul trickle down
The change is there
It's not me
Goodbye

Rose Pedals Ground

2009-06-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Come on in
Into the elation
Without your prior
and the issues of existence
With me it’s over
You have a tear
I have a shoulder
Fly to me
Time to time

Only once in awhile
You’ll be mine
I’ll always have your smile
The one you’ve misplaced
As many times as I
Go little rose, cry
Lose all your pedals
To the ground where you belong
Where I walk, where you belong

Come on in
Covered in dirt
Tattooed with tread
Your life is not mine
Get out of my head
Turn around and find a charioteer
I’m not the one to guide
Close my eyes
Close my mind
Dissipate, I can’t hide

Only once in awhile
You’ll be mine
I’ll always have your smile
The one you’ve misplaced
As many times as I
Go little rose, cry
Lose all your pedals
To the ground where you belong
Where I walk, where you belong
Doors locked, Location astray
You’ll never find me again
Where is your smile?
Where has it gone?
Where ever I am
Emotionless, Are you happy now?
I am gone
You are lost
Can you unlock your curse?
You never will
Never be Free
You threw away the key…

The Bends

2009-05-28T14:59:00.001-07:00

Dive in too fast
Descend, light overhead
Darkness below
Perspective disappears with the light
Declining blind
I've never been more alive

Ascend, soar, arise

Obscurity below, overhead light
Happening is stately
Copius good is arresting
Flying high on the wings of conflict
I'm back in the light, back in sight
Never have I been so blind…

You're So Broken

2009-04-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Come back down to me
I'm lookin up at you
You're better than
Everything I am
When will I get a chance
Prove my love for you
Not now not ever
I'll never be good enough

Two years past I try again
Back home with a new life
Maybe im better for her eyes
But not now not ever
Shes with another
And I'm out in the cold

Forget it
Im better than you anyways
Raise your nose at me one more time
So i can see that powder that'll make you blind
To the ruin of your life
And the advances of mine
You're nothing, I don't have the time

Another two years
I'm sick, I'm vulnerable
Your name is on the table
Got your new number, new address
I call your phone
The same bitch answers, no

Forget it
Im better than you anyways
Raise your nose at me one more time
So i can see that powder that'll make you blind
To the ruin of your life
And the advances of mine
You're nothing, I don't have the time
I'm something and you don't have a mind
You are nothing, and I don't have the time

You're nothing....

and....

I'm....

Done!

Words in Purgatory

2009-03-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I never asked, So how could you answer?

I so desperately wanted to tell you how I felt, However I was too busy doting you to see the future.

I have a bad habit of not thinking about the future through another ones eyes. I know I’m going away but I guess I was just naïve to think it was going to work it self out. Before you I had nothing to look forward to but the next day and being able to go back home. Your smile was always a breathe of fresh air. I would say anything to see it. I wished you would feel the same. I never got the chance to tell you how I felt. I remember the day we started to grow apart. It was the day I wanted to talk about us. I was going to take us to the restaurant where I first made you smile. We would talk and laugh for hours. I would take you to the beach where we first held hands, We would talk for awhile and I would look at you as you stared endlessly into the ocean’s horizon. Your eyes are beautiful by the way. We would sit on that life guard tower and laugh at each other, because neither one of us could have predicted the others humor. We would go back to that hammock outside a resort where we first laid down together, held each other, looked into one another’s eyes…. Where we first kissed. Then we would whisper to each other because the security guards were upon us. You would ask me why my heart was beating so fast. The idea of getting caught was my answer. Only it was your touch that made it race. This time would be different. We’ve known each other for awhile now, and it would come time to make a decision.

I’m not going to ask the question, I no longer need an answer. We have grown apart and It can never be the same. I can take only so many daggers of silence to my chest. The damage is irreparable. I just wanted you to know that I did have a plan and it involved you.

I appreciated every moment I shared with you. I wished it would have worked. I wished I had that night. I wish I had the chance to say…

Judged By It's Cover

2009-03-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

I pull you off the shelf. No one has read you in awhile, let alone looked at you. Your spine is brittle, pages loose. I dust you off and put you on my night stand. I will read you tonight. I will read you soon.

I've fixed your bindings and made you shine. You're ready to open up and let me in. I will see you tonight.

I return home from a day. I lay down with a glass of wine and you on my mind. I can't wait to hear your stories, where you're from, How you got here. My lamp brightens and I lift the book. The bulb blows and there is no light. I won't be reading you tonight.

Life has picked me up and won't let go. I reach out for you and It never happens. Another night, another defeat. I'll see the sun before page one

.A month has gone by and I come home from the world. As I enter my bedroom, I take a saddened glance. The dust I've once removed has returned to your cover. In a useless action I remove the dust. Take a deep breathe. Place you back on the shelf.

The book I could never read...

Controlled Burn

2009-02-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

Sunset shines brighter than sunrise
For the shattered souls and the tired eyes
Blood flow stops. Reverses
Lips are blue from neglect
They are gone forever. Lay down. Sob. Reflect.

Stop loving that person
Put a knife in their back
It's what you deserve
If you inflict the pain
It will hurt you more
Feel it burn your eyes
Burn your skin
Burn your soul
Burn the hollow shell that you're in

The past was what the past is
It's all over now
Nothing but ashes

I will miss you

2009-02-17T12:50:00.001-08:00

I got your package today. It's the first time I have cried since I made the decision. Whether It was the right decision or not.... I don't know. I have never faced a question so hard to answer. The reason I did this was because the question presented itself, that's reason alone. It will hang on my shoulders for a long time. I have never been treated so well in my life as you treated me. I never deserved it. I never will. I always said I would do my best to make you happy, at the time I thought this was true. I was just lying to myself, and soon to figure out, I was lying to you too. I never did try hard enough did I? Maybe 90% of the time. I made sure it was my job to keep you smiling. I lived to see you smile, but the pain of seeing you in tears was too much for me to handle. I had seen it too much to go on. You are one of the most beautiful people I know and I do care about you, It hurt me so much to do what I did. But I can never be with you. I look into the future and the pieces just don't fit. Sometimes I wish all the pain you have experienced on account of me could be transferred to my mind, So i could deal with what I have done and you could be happy again. People like me are never happy anyways, and you deserve all the greatest things. I know you hate me, and I understand. Just know that I hope you get everything you want out of life and you get to the places you want to go...... It is hard looking at a computer screen with my eyes clouded with tears. You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are funny, you are a great person. Don't ever think otherwise. I've seen it first hand. I'm just not man enough to appreciate it. I'm sorry

I will miss you

Blind to your words

2009-02-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

Clouded breathe fogs my bedroom window
Write your message in reverse
Heavy eye lids never see the sign
As the window returns to clarity
I keep hearing the words
You keep voicing
There is no hand in my hand
Just the idea of it happening
There is no caress at the end of a long day
Just a thought
Your lips are not touching mine
You just think about it
Your words are not good enough
They never were
I need your touch
To know that your real
This time around will be the last
So show me real
Stay outside my bedroom window
Keep your love on hold
The heart you want
Does not have a pulse...

For You

2008-12-29T19:12:00.000-08:00

I've been watching you for so long now
Pull me closer, Pull me in
Listen to all my secrets
Never judge, forget the sins
Guard is down, life is high
Build me up so
You can cut me from behind

Sell me out to be queen for a day
Use me for your wants
Leave for your needs
There's me and you
But everything in between
Have you seen your mistake
Yes you have, Yes you will
Rain drops soaking your mind
Drenching your soul
Come join me now
Now it's time to be cold

Cut that girl in the mirror
Bleeding wounds are hopes and dreams
Life with happiness, Life with me
They'll never come back
See them trickle down your fingertips
Into the red and out to sea
No more Regret
No more me

Moral Killed By Perception

2008-12-11T18:45:00.001-08:00

Riding down the street today

Ive seen it again, saw the wrong way

Can we just go there, Can we just go?

Never mind the warnings

Forget what you’re told

They’ve got to me

Planted the seed

No, I wont let this happen

No

Take your open exhibition

Far away

Burn your closed inhibitions

Stay away

Take your low road and get high

Ill take the high road and rise

Ill be happy when you’re miserable

Looking down on you, pitiful

A moral killed by perception

We’ve all let our beliefs become right

Ignore the common belief

Out of focus, out of sight

Monday The 8th

2008-12-08T18:47:00.000-08:00

Another night

Eyes wide open

You're still in sight

But miles away

Daylight breaks

Stealing the dark

Taking the pain

We are apart

You're in the rain

I'll stay here

Run. Live. Disapear

This is my family now

Smile. Wave. Take a bow

You've played everyone for a fool

Heaven And Hell

2008-12-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

Get away from this place

spare us the lonely face

leave it behind and forget it

everyone takes a fall

once in a while

pick yourself back up

its all in bad luck

you want to leave your surroundings

but your scared, your heart keeps pounding

If you want to leave, you may

seperate from everything and drift away

all the pain, all the yelling

all the hurt and all the suffering

its all in the past

give it one look back

but make it your last

Are you going to leave the pain

or are you going to live in shame

cant you see theres a better life

all you have to do is get back your sight

of all your hopes and all your dreams

thats all you think about it seems

you cant get away

you cant be afraid

you'll never be well

until you find your heaven and leave this hell

If you want to leave, you may

leave everything and drift away

all the anger, all the screaming

all the rage and all the seething

its all in the past

give it one look back

but make it your last

Get well soon

oh wont you please get well

when are you going to find your heaven

when are you going to leave this hell

oh wont you please, get up from this place you fell

find your heaven and leave this hell

find your heaven and leave this hell

find your heaven and leave this hell

Prelude

2008-07-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

An idea for another writing entered my brain driving home today, Not one of my usual short writings or poems, but an actual story. I'm still thinking about major plot points and I'm way too tired to grind out the first chapter. So I'll start with a prelude...

The grass is green and white fold out chairs are spread out across the field. The only aroma stronger than the grass clippings around me is the perfume of the girls seated adjacent to me. June 24th, graduation day. I thought it would never come.

Dressed in red. I hate the color but dealt with it because it meant my freedom. I love the place in which I am from but the feeling is not so mutual. I've had a cloud over my head for 2 years now. "John C. Adamcyk" the speakers call out the first name. "And we are off!" I think to myself as the names are being called out, and the crowd erupts with clapping and shouts of praise. Further and further down the list they go, coming closer to my name. Finally the speakers call " Levi M. Taite". I don't know if I am just nervous or I was going deaf but I can not hear a thing. I walk up to the stage to accept my degree. The principal hands it too me but neglects to shake my hand. I look at the ground as I pass by. I look back up at the crowd. I have not gone deaf. The roar of applause and praise has subsided to glare and disregard.

I knew it was going to be like this. As I start back towards my seat someone yells something but I choose not to listen. I walk past the row where I am supposed to be sitting. I look to my left at the two empty seats my parents chose not to accept. I throw my cap on the ground and leave the field. That day I got in my car, drove to the interstate and never looked back.

Unique New York

2008-06-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

Leaving class he had a look of question in his eyes. When asked to write this essay by his professor he wasn't quite sure what to expect. He wasn't concerned about his grade, not the opinions of people who may read the paper besides the teacher. It was a real question that he never really has asked himself. Have I ever given up on something special ?

The streets of New York City are baron this time of year, especially this time of night. Cold and lonely he walks down the street. Night classes were literal in the sense that they started at 9 p.m and often ran into the next day. The class summarized as 2 hours of actual lectures, and 2 hours of digression. This didn't bother him, as he respected his teacher enough to listen to his off-topic rants. However, tonight all he could think about was the question.

That night as he sat at his armoire, 2 a.m, 3 a.m..... "Have I ever given up on someone special?" He thinks to himself. He goes back in time. Friends he never talks to anymore, like Kyle and Dan. The comradary they shared in college has never been replaced. Past lovers cross his mind but he always gave them a chance to be the one. One girl did stand out although it was just a couple of days that they were together. Nothing ever happened, he felt the fire, but she put out the flames before they got any higher. He remembers her name, and everything she confided in him. All he could think about was how artistic she was, and the fact that up against any other girl she was never the lesser. How his lips wanted only hers. Ancient history.

Microsoft word was up and running on his computer. The vertical line blinking off and on with nothing preceding it. He thinks about a teacher he had at his previous school who sparked his interest on sociology. He never knew how interested he was in people and why we act the way we do. He misses the teacher as he does many.

Just like fire spreads through a California forest in the summer, the rush of words and experiences flow onto the screen, and before he knows it. His life with, his experiences with the people that he has forgotten has amounted into a 6 1/2 page essay of regret.

He prints two copies. One for his teacher and one for himself...

A reminder that you must keep the influences of your life as close to your heart as possible and although someone unique may not be in your life anymore it is never to late to pick up the phone....

The Ocean

2008-05-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

He walks out onto the beach, it's late at night and nobody knows where he is. He comes here when he is sad, he comes here when he is lost. This is the only place he knows.

A fragmented heart can never be healed by the person who owns it. Only the person that has overdrawn it or someone who has the ability to do so. This night at the ocean he is not in search of a remedy, only the cure.

As his bloodshot eyes watch the waves come in. Wave, approach, crash, retreat. He sees the ocean as a allegoric nirvana. It's a dark indefinite entity with countless shining opportunities but only if there is light to shine on them. Sometimes he feels like he can reach out and grab one of theses diamonds off the surface, Sometimes.

He sits down and feels the wind blow through his hair. A deep breath and a dell of thoughts. For a moment he is at peace. But just like the uniformity of the waves. the memories are endless.

There a man sits on the sand, broken hearted and full of contemplation. He thinks he can grab diamonds from the ocean. Sometimes....

Tonight is one of those nights.

He walks into the water only up to his neck, because he knows he is already in over his head. He looks aimlessly into the abyss and for awhile he sees nothing sparkling. The moon is as bright as ever, but there is nothing to be seen. Finally he turns to vainly walk out, but there behind him was one glimmering hope. It has found him.

This night at the ocean, he is not in search of a remedy, only the cure. He did not find anything, something found him. The essence of the moment brings back the person he once was.

"I can't wait till I see you again..."

Ruler of Life

2008-05-17T18:16:00.001-07:00

Every morning you awake
I'm the first thing on your mind
Before you fall asleep
You give me one last thought

You go to work
I am in your papers
On your lunch break
Your time is spent on your meal
and what next you will do with me

Family get togethers
are now interrupted
with arguments between loved ones
all because of me

Friday nights with friends
Have become half-hearted attempts
to focus your mind elsewhere
So now you sit at home by your self
Unable to enjoy whats outside
Hating everything within

I am the money in your wallet, the suit you wear to work, the broken down engine in your car, the parent that always yells, the child that never listens, the loved one who is no longer around, the hated one that won't go away, the sickness in your body, the man or woman in your heart.

Don't let me control you anymore.

The Painting

2008-05-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

He stands up the easel and lifts up a fresh canvas. He sees the picture, the woman he always sees when he closes his eyes. If it weren't for the possible color discrepancies he could paint the image blindfolded.

First he paints the outline of her face, with every stroke is another quality that he has never seen nor anyone else has. With every passing moment his eyes sink deeper into his work. He is no longer holding the brush, it is holding him.

Next in the painting is her figure, he sees it so vividly in his mind. Her body is flawless in his eyes. When she is around, his eyes never stray. With every swipe is another mark of perfection.... This is his painting, he sees it as just that.

Now that the outlines and not so basic features of her has been laid out, he begins to add her color. He may be painting between the lines but in his mind this is no longer a painting.

He is slowing shaping her personality, as he paints her smile.

He adds her intellect as he sculpts the expression on her face.

Finally the love she has for him, with the way he has her eyes staring right back at him.

After hours of painting that seemed graceful and intricate at the same time, he is finished. She's beautiful. This is a piece of art that will hang on his wall for a very long time...

A year goes by and there the painting stands. He keeps it in his room but since he keeps his windows open at night. It has become jaded from the weather outside of their existence.

Afraid to lose the ambiance of the painting he always touches it up when it seems to be compromised. Without knowing it however, he subtly changes each feature trying to keep it the same.

Some time passes and after all minor rectifications the painting is no longer what it used to be. The smile with the temperament may not be the same. The figure that seemed so perfect before is no more than ordinary.

None of this bothers him because the eyes of the painting still look at him the same way. Through all this time and aging, that's all that matters.

One morning he awakes.

Walking by that painting he has held so dear for so long. He notices the eyes have finally faded. With tears in his eyes and a brush in hand, he takes a few strokes and covers the eyes.

With the best intentions, he has covered or replaced every blemish that seemed to be perfect before. Her personality has faded over time, so he would fruitlessly try to replicate the colors. The painting is no longer what it was.

Now broken hearted he stares at what his painting has become.

He doesn't want to believe it, but his work of art has now once again become an empty canvas...

Start Living and Forget

2008-05-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

Found this poem I wrote long time ago in my folder of endless writings... figured it could be shared.

You thought you had let go
were you just ignoring the hole
in your heart that I had created
you have been replaced
and I never cared
that you have been erased
from the mind that you had once overrun
its hard to face the darker days
when someone I have stolen your sun
I'll just let you sleep
let you sleep in this endless pain
let the agony coarse through your veins
should you try to cut it out
or maybe just wait it out
close the shades on your despair
till you can wander through your mind
and never find me there
never find me there
the anxiety is starting to rule your life
slipknot around the chest
stealing the life stealing the breathe
I'm pulling on the other end
you can no longer enjoy family
and lost all of your friends
close the cover on your life
the last page has been read
I'll just let you sleep
let you sleep in this endless pain
let the agony coarse through your veins
should you try to cut it out
or maybe just wait it out
close the shades on your despair
till you can wander through your mind
and never find me there
never find me there

I am the one you'll never forget...

Moment of the Weak

2008-05-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

Why as a society are we inclined to sugarcoat everything that isn't sweet. No one wants to hear bad news, so many people either fabricate the truth or never say it in fear of hurting someone's feelings.

It could either be that you don't want to hurt someone's feelings, or you just don't want someone to dislike you for being the bearer of facts. It's a lose-lose anyway you look at it... Or is it?

If people stopped withholding or manipulating the truth the world would be a much better place. Think about it, Let's say something is going on between you and another person and you don't know quite how to say it. Rather than being silent, just voice your mind. They may be more understanding than you think. Honesty very far, you may lose a little in the friendship but it is far outweighed by the respect you may gain.

There is no need to protect anyone from anything anymore. The world is changing, bad things happen everyday and the days of fairytales are far over. Whether you and someone else are in different pages of a novel, or your paperback is coming to an end. You have to close the book on the situation eventually. Why not do it the right way?

You have far more to gain with the truth, than you do without it.

The Dark Side of You is the Brightest Side of Me

2008-04-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Many people have compared loneliness to being lost in the dark, waiting for someone to light up their day and give them a way out. Sometimes people are lost in the dark even when there is someone there to show them the way. It's not that they don't want to leave the darkness. It's the fact they are not sure where they're going, and anything that is not darkness is something new, different, maybe even terrifying.

The best advice I could give to someone is to pay attention more to the words that the body speaks rather than the lips that actually speak them. There is a real connection between loneliness and darkness, happiness and brightness. If you see someone for the first time or for the 1000th time, I think it means something when they are still excited to see you. Look at their body and facial expressions. Ever heard of someone just lighting up at a certain moment?

The expressions may be different depending on how well you know the person, and the history between the two of you. A second of eye contact, a smile, or even a glare can all mean the same thing. You be the judge of what it means to you and your relationship with that person.

I'm going to end with a few questions as I often do...

Is there someone in your life that lights up at just the sight of you? Talking to you? Do they make you feel the same way?

Theft Recovery

2008-04-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

If you give me love, I will accept it.
Only If I have love to give you and it is equally as passionate.

I will give you the time and affection you need to be more than happy.
As long as you show me the same appreciation.

You can make decisions for the both of us.As long as I can have some input.
What ever you give meI will return... because I love you.

After some time if you have lost interest
If you have stopped caring about my opinions and how I feel.
Have taken my heart and watched its beat come to a halt in your hands.
In this case I will not do the same, because I don't hate you.
I am not you, and you are not me.
After you I have not been the same, but I remember who I was.
Someone will come along and bring that person back.
I know I don't need you. Do you really feel the same?

This is my conclusion, it is from my own mind and it screams:

"Just because you stole who I was, Doesn't mean I need you to get myself back!"

Untitled

2008-04-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

I walk into the house. This particular evening feels different. "Something good is in my future" I think to myself. I grab a beer and I begin to do my normal socializing. I say hello to a few friends and acquaintances, Crack a few jokes, some are a hit, others are just plain bad, but people still laugh on account of the intoxication. I look over at the big tub of jungle juice that someone prepared for the nights festivities. " I’d grab a cup, but I don’t want to get too stupid tonight" I say to myself. Tonight is going to be a great night.

12 o’clock has hit and everyone has celebrated. I kissed a girl for the sake of the event but it was nothing to be excited about. An hour passes and many of the party-goers have sifted out to begin the start of a new time. A few stragglers have stayed behind, and then... my beginning.

We have all sit down to play some drinking games, some of them legit but others were not well planned but we drank like rock stars anyways. I feel a grasp on my arm. I turn my head to her, " What’s your name?" I say. You tell me your name and I’m consumed with a feeling I have never felt before. "What beauty" I think to myself. The night rolls on and I keep the conversations rolling in fear of your losing interest, however I think you were just as worried as I that the encounter would end prematurely.

Later on in the evening we have left and ventured off on our own endeavors. Made a few stops at a few other sites of engagement, a few cocktails to celebrate a new beginning. A new beginning indeed. After that I cannot recall much but one memory. "You’re the most beautiful person" I said as I looked into your eyes. You blushed and didn’t say anything back but I knew you felt the same...

Months have passed and we have seen each other here and there, but the fire that burns inside has only intensified to the point that I can barely think about what to say to you next. This feeling will never fade, it will never leave. " You’re beautiful" I repeat over and over again. I think that I may be saying it too much but I can still feel your smile and humility. I may stop saying it as much, but I will never stop feeling the same. You told me how you loved me. I’ll never forget the tears that fell from my eyes, and the way you wiped them away.

A year has passed and with every mountain we have climbed, we have descended into a valley. Still my love has never changed in elevation, but you and your character have followed the terrain with every step. I do everything I can to make it right. However, sometimes to make things right is the wrong thing to do. "You’re beautiful" I tell you. A hollow smile I get in return.Two years have passed and we have separated and comptemplated being together again. It’s different now. I remember what happened and what was never done to fix it. I worked so hard for so long only to be given up for the most inane reason. I stare at you with tired bloodshot eyes. "I need you, I love you" you said...

This day the tears fall from my eyes, they are not the same. They are because I’ve lost you, and you cannot wipe them away.

3am Blog Story: The Bulb, the Lamp and the Electricity

2008-03-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

I was just laying in bed wide-eyed as usual and an idea for a story of symbolism began to take shape, so ill write it out real quick and try to go get some sleep. Here it goes...

I open up the door to my apartment and not a second too soon. It was raining out as usual. I was soaked from head to toe. Walking over to the counter I sling my bag from Target onto the surface, go to my room and throw on my PJ’s. As I return to the bag I open it and pull out some "new" GE bulb for my lamp. It’s a new apartment so I’m always finding new things for it and replacing some older unused objects that are no longer to my liking.

I thought in my head "Wow, I haven’t even thought about using this lamp in awhile." So after buying the bulb on an impulse figuring I would need/want it, I finally screwed it into place. The room lit up like the fourth of July. If you are anything like me, you would appreciate the ambiance of such a beautiful sight. Plus, It’s a GE, it should last forever right?

About 9 months go by and that bulb is still shining strong, providing me with enough light to guide me through my home and help me get things done. But one day while I was cleaning I knocked it off it’s stand. The force of it falling even pulled the plug out of the wall. For a while I couldn’t see but eventually I plugged it back in but never turned on the light in fear that it might start a fire.

A couple months went by and I finally turned on the light. It lit the room but was a little dimmer, I could tell the bulb was a bit cloudy, but decided it was enough to get the job done. I went through the next few months, going about the day with enough light, slowly recognizing that the light was getting dimmer and dimmer with every passing look. Till finally, one day, the light went out.

My apartment was pretty well lit from the street lights, so I decided just to leave the light off, I even unplugged the lamp. There’s no point having the lamp plugged in if the bulb doesn’t work. Next the electric was shut off because I decided it wasn’t worth paying.

Months later, I decided it was time to have light in my humble abode again. So first, I plugged in the lamp and got a fresh bulb. One click...nothing. Two Click... nothing. "What the hell?" I thought to myself. " I have the bulb, I have the lamp, What am I missing?" quickly I realized that there was no electricity going into the lamp let alone the bulb. So I got pissed off and knocked the lamp off the stand, this time on purpose and broke the bulb along with 3 more in the case next to it. It’s alright though, when I went to target this last time I just grabbed 4 generic bulbs because the GE didn’t get very far anyways.

About a week ago, my electric was turned back on... I finally decided to pay my bill. I’ve plugged in the lamp but still have not obtained a bulb for it yet. "I’m doing just fine with the light from outside" I think to myself, hiding the fact that I cannot see anything I’m doing. Denial is such a beautiful thing.

I woke up this sunday morning, and it was pretty dark outside. Overcast with a chance of showers is what I predicted. That asshole Tom Messner, the channel 5 weather man seemed to think the same as well. With the day off I figured I’d go to Glens Falls and do some shopping. I park in the Target parking lot and head into the mall to blow my money on meaningless things.

As I walk back into target I figured I’d grab a cart and pick up some neccesities. Aisle by aisle I go up and down picking up everything I "need", at one point I actually do the shopping cart dance move as I’m grabbing my merch. I felt really good for some reason, It’s been awhile since I felt this way.

Finally I come to the last aisle and I see some hard goods, nothing I can eat or wear. Then I see them. Light bulbs. I’ve walked by them for the past few months never thinking I wanted any but today seemed to be different. So I begin looking up and down and finally I see a "new" GE bulb. I sit there for a second and I think to myself "I have electricity again, The lamp is plugged in, I want a bulb..."

I walk outside and to my surprise the clouds have opened up enough to rain some sunshine on the day.

Sigh-lence

2008-03-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

What makes us more saddened, someone who screams their disapproval at us or the ones who never say anything at all, nothing?

You may call it the silent treatment, I call it poison. It gets introduced to your system, courses through your veins. It slowly reeks havoc among your mind and body, until eventually you’re the hollow lifeless shell of what you once were.

It’s a hard thing to swallow at first, usually it’s someone who doesn’t speak to you. The silence hurts like a dagger, but almost anyone can recover from a knife wound. But could you handle a firing squad? Many people at once who decide that you are not worth talking to?

We’ve all had those days where we just wanted someone, anyone to talk to, but they don’t have the time, they don’t answer, you get their voicemail, or worst of all... the dreaded 2 ring to voicemail, someone hit the ignore button...

So what are we to do when we’ve been cast out by our peers with only our thoughts to keep us company? The one thing we can do, work through it. You can keep trying to talk to the same people, speaking the most beautiful of words to them, but they’ll only fall on deaf ears.

When it comes down to it, you are not something that shall go to waste. Your words will be heard, your love will be given. Speak to ears that will listen, and hearts that will care. You owe it to yourself.

My New House

2008-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

2am and it hit me: The value of a "Yes"

2008-03-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

I’m really tired so I’m going to make this quick.

I was just in bed and as I lied there staring at my ceiling as I often do, thinking about what I’m going to do next. What I have to do, to get what I am after. I’m going over every angle in my head. Should I do this? or this? So like always I go to the past, because after all, we must learn from our experiences to establish a sense of truth in our endeavors.

Without experience something "new" can turn out to be anything. If you are going to a unknown location at the other end of the city, wouldn’t it be nice to at least traveled half way there?

So anyways back to the story, Like anything that’s ever been created, a product, a person, a moment, even a kiss, the rarity and/or substance of it increases it’s value or worth to us as humans. Whether it’s sentimental or not, the first, few, or last of something will always mean more.

Sometimes you must work for it. "staying up til 2 or 3am thinking about what the best move is." And maybe sometimes it’s as simple as asking and getting the easy "yes". That last sentence was the "punch line".

The easy yes is positive, don’t get me wrong... but wouldn’t it be more valuable if you had to work for it. If it’s easy to obtain then it’s not that rare or valuable... is it?I really don’t know if this is making sense or not, I’m really just sleep blogging. So I’m going back to bed, look at my white ceiling, as if it were a dry-erase board ( hopefully my markers aren’t dried out ) and come up with a game plan, because the way it’s looking, this is a "Yes" I want and I’m going for it...

From the sleep deprived mind of Steven

The Last Rope

2008-03-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

There are people who work for what they have, people who already have it, then there are treasure hunters. These treasure hunters operate on nothing but the belief of riches buried far beneath the surface.

This one treasure hunter one day believed that if she dug far enough in the place she just found, she would eventually find what she was looking for. So she began to dig, everyone that knew her were supportive at first. Some helping her dig, others holding on to ropes for her to climb out when she either found what she was looking for or decided this wasnt where she was going to find her treasure.

After a few days a couple people stopped digging, and climbed out. But she was still sure that the treasure was here.

Weeks later, everyone has climbed out but her. Still they are holding ropes for her to climb out, none of them believing in her, but they’re still supportive.

Months past, some of the ropes are gone. Most of her friends and family are gone, except the ones that really love her. The ropes are beginning to run out. She won’t come up, despite the pleas of everyone. She runs on belief rather than logic.

A year later, a dead end. She has dug all the way to a mass in the earth in which cannot be dug into. There is one rope left, one person who cares enough after all this time has stayed to be the one to bring her back to the world. With tears in her eyes, she pulls out her favorite lighter and puts it to the rope. It burns all the way to the top, and it lights up the face of the one who waited. The look of anguish on their face was only seen for a second, but it will be remembered forever. It was her last way out and she literally let it go up in flames.

After some time, the shovel is dull. Her strength is spent, and worst of all... the ropes are gone. She’s realized that this hole, the one she dug. Is the hole she will have to live in the rest of her life.

"Sorry the forgivness is sold out"

2008-03-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

"I’m sorry I did it, but they did this and I guess it really started because of them"

Ever found that asking for forgiveness is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do? Doesn’t it help if you justify your mistake by selling out another person? It’s happened all too many times. Why carry two boxes of guilt through the front door when you can give someone else one of the boxes and send them through first? The story of your error is still written on your face, but you are now sharing the spotlight. That spotlight also burns very hot when you’re performing for the crowd of judgement bestowed upon you.

When it comes to asking for forgiveness, you need only a mirror to blame who is accountable. Step up, say " I’m sorry for what "I" did " and accept the aftermath.

"The strength and conviction expressed in your apology will always go a long way in the eyes and ears you’re speaking to"

It WAS a thin line

2008-03-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

"You’ve crossed the line, Bucko!"

Ever said that before? Me neither. Ever noticed that we’ve all put down a line at one point or the other. Whether it’s someone talking about your family or friend. Maybe even a particular action they took that was uncouth to you. Did you do something about it? Let’s hope so.Sometimes we forget what we are all really about, you take a firm stance on your beliefs, but forget you are on ice. A gust of wind could influence you in a different direction if it chooses to, all the while you remain motionless. So did you move or were you moved? Or was it your best interest just to be standing?

When you find yourself in a different place than where you started it should raise an alarm. There’s a storm coming, go to higher ground put all of it out there. What you want, what you need. YOUR values and beliefs. Set it in stone and do not waver.

We are all typically motionless in our own world, one spot where our spirits stand. People come in and out of our lifes like clockwork. They walk past you, bump into you, and occasionally stand with you. So with all these people rushing past you, is your line made out of chalk? Easily displaced from it’s origin, smeared and widened with every passing person. Or is it a clear line that does not, and will not be altered?

Interpret my perception? Perceive my Interpretation?

2008-02-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

You get what I’m saying?... I don’t. Do you?

Have you ever perceived a situation or entity to being something it’s not or see something that is not there or a different translation? I have, everybody does. Example: John will say Banana, you may say fruit, I’ll say delicious, Hank will say a pleasant source of potassium, and DOLE will say cha-ching! Mmm. We now live in a society where words are now interpreted by the ears that hear them, rather than the words that define them. What’s even more interesting is that sentences, paragraphs, and even stories are the same way. Ever stop to think that two people reading the same book, heard two different stories? Remember 5th grade when y’all had to talk about a book that everyone read. Thirty 5th grade imaginations trying to decipher a book, I wonder what the teachers thought?

Fiction is always left to interpretation. Truth however cannot be perceived without some sort of Fiction being the result.

So what happens when someones perception of the truth creates a fiction? Could be better or worse than the actual fact. It doesn’t seem that important but lives are changed because of this! Go back to a crossroad in your life where you had to make a decision based on information put in front of you. Were you right? Did you see it for what it was or for what it appeared through your "own" eyes to be?

Event: a murder
Fact A: X stabbed Y with a knife.
Fact B: Y died of blood-loss.

2 statements, both facts. Equally gruesome, I apologize for that. Where am I going with this? What if you were only presented with one fact or the other? When presented with Fact A, one might ask if Y is ohk or did this poor letter die. Now Fact B, on the other hand says that Y died of blood-loss. One might ask how did Y lose blood, Did "X" or "Z" kill Y. Get where I’m going now? Look down, XYZ

Whether that helped or not it is important to remember to let certain things be left to interpretation, like stories and my occasional rants. But truth...it is what it is.

Truth is real, it is weighted by Facts. Perception is....well, I’ll leave that up into your interpretation.

I'm from Black Hole, How about you?

2008-02-22T12:29:00.000-08:00

Are you getting sucked in?

You ever go on vacation and towards the end of the trip, you almost want to go back "home". Ever move away only to come home at the first chance you get? Oh yeah! Whether it’s a big city with plenty of opportunity and great friends or a small tired town with no chance to do something extraordinary, where you’re deadbeat alchoholic stoner friends like to drag you down, we can’t help but say " Home Sweet Home".

Why is it that the places we come from have a stronger gravitational pull than the planet we live on. At "home", you can jump and immediatly fall straight down; Go to Los Angeles and jump up and you fall down but drift slightly eastward.

Whether it’s Betty Sue, the girl you’ve liked since the 8th grade or the comfort of you’re parents being in throwing distance, their is always a certain comfort level that comes with "home". But what happens when that girl you’ve wanted to be with for what seems like your whole life, has a kid and/or is married? What happens when the house you grew up in is tainted by the loss of a parent to tragedy or family troubles have arose, is it no longer feeling like your "home"?

What keeps us here? Compromise, Failure, Fear, Jaded? Let’s write ’em on paper and we’ll all pick the feelings out of a hat. We can put Compromise in there 10 times, as opposed to the others only once. Values mean nothing when you compromise. Love means nothing when you compromise. Happiness means nothing... when you compromise. Does anything personal to me really matter if it’s altered for the sake of convenience? Am I impeding the growth in my Career or settling on my Love Life for the feeling of being "Home"? These are questions that we ask ourselves every day.

However, sometimes homelife is great and you’re the guy that put a ring on Betty Sue’s finger and you are the perfect ending to the story. But if you’re on the other side of the rainbow and everything is not "happily ever after" It is good to know that there are other places and other people....

So...Dorothy? (Yeah, I’m calling you that character played by Judy Garland in Wizard of Oz!) the next time you find yourself in Emerald City with those ruby slippers, will you click your heels?

The "Power Struggle"

2007-07-24T12:27:00.000-07:00

What is the power struggle?

The power struggle is something that happens in almost all relationships, whether it be with a friend, a co-worker or your significant other. So often we find ourselves controlling the relationship or being the submissive one. Usually the one with the lower self-esteem will be the one to allow the other person to take the wheel and steer the relationship.

From my own personal experiences i’ve had friends who I thought were cooler or better then me, so I would follow their lead. I’ve had friends that looked up to me and they would go for whatever I thought or did.

Same with personal relationships, I’ve been involved with beautiful girls who I always thought were too good for me, we’ve all been there guys! We will do whatever the pretty girl tells us! I’ve also been in relationships where the girl thought I was too good for her. (She must’ve been on something right?) Some of her things were apologizing for stupid little things that weren’t a problem and trying way to hard to win me over.

It’s hard to know when you’re leading because you have your own pre-set perception of how things are supposed to go, but when it does come to light its obvious. Some people take advantage of it, others try to balance it out.

It’s very important to maintain an equally balanced relationship, its a matter of compromise and humility: not control and arrogance. So every once in awhile step back and question yourself and the other person as well.

The "Comfort Zone"

2007-02-24T12:23:00.000-08:00

No it's not a posture-pedic, but that would be great.

Recently I had a lesson with one of my instuctors at the school, and I was telling him how I was playing great one day and once I realized how well I was doing, I felt anxious and different then normal, then i proceed to screw the rest of the round up. He told me that I will do anything to shoot in my comfort zone. The "Comfort Zone" is the mind set in which we try to maintain at all times. Then i got to thinking, This not only applies to golf but any situation in general.

Once we are put into a situation that we are uncomfortable in, our first instinct is to get out while we still can. Whether it be a new job, social events or most of the time relationships. How many times have you went to a party, felt a bad vibe then left, and was told the next day by one of your friends you should of stayed or even went to a party and completely regretted it. In the past I felt that way in relationships, it’d go well for a about 4 months then something would happen to my mind then I’d bail on the girl for no reason. Most of the time I ended up regretting it for awhile. I have also seen a lot of people doing the opposite, staying in a relationship just cause they are more comfortable having someone even though he or she may be a complete ass.

Many people have broadened comfort zones, they can pretty much take on anything or anyone and be very level headed about it. Im one the many who have to work on that, on golf and in life. I think when we find ourselves in these situations, we need to step back and take a look at the way we handle these things. "Do I really have a reason to leave?" "Do I really have a reason to stay?"

"Ehh... screw it" can’t always be the answer. You’ll find yourself with a a lot of regrets.

Can you hear me now?

2006-10-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed from being down here the past few semesters that it is really hard to meet people. I mean i've met new people from school but there is base work to start friendships there because you go to all the same classes... it’s easy, My friend Pat and I were talking last night about this, he said when he’s working, out of maybe 10 people in the line to get their merch, maybe 7 or 8 of them were on their cell phones, theres the problem!

Too many people take their cell phones wherever they go, and instead of being that person in line that u know turns around and asks " hey, whats up my name is Hank Johnson, how are you?" and start a conversation with someone new and open up doors for new experiences, we just sit there like 8 out of 10 americans yapping on our cell phones all intertwined in our own little network of people afraid to string out.

I went to the mall the other night and instead of taking the opportunity to call someone i already knew, i instead struck up a conversation with a group of people about to watch a movie, I ended up going to the movies with them and hung out with them a little while after and now i know a few more people, opening the door for many new experiences.

I mean when you really think about it, the smallest thing like that meeting a few people, how far does that take you off your normal track of life. Could be a bad thing or vice versa, I don't know. Its my opinion if your having trouble meeting people, the solution is to leave that damn cellular in your pocket on silent mode, and only take it out to add new numbers...which brings us right back around and you’ll be in a new network. But hey you’ll know how to stray from it from time to time if you have to.

Moving Day

2006-09-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was just feeling compelled to write a blog on moving on with ones life, whether it be a death in the family or friends, or a recent break-up, or other things that breed misery in our souls, these things all effect us differently and its all how we get back to being ourselves again, being able to smile and mean it, enjoying life. It always hard to move on when every second of every day you have that one thing poking you in the back of your mind saying " I'm not leaving ".

How hard is it to forget the pain when all you do is think about the pain. If its there day after day how are you supposed to just wake up one day and have a fresh state of mind without the hurt and anguish. Time is the only cure. Not Thyme the spice, if it were only that easy, just dash your ham sammitch with that and be happy, or even mix it with crack. Drugs and alchohol are the easy out, but one who takes shortcuts in life often just sit around thinking about doing what they want to do but just spin their wheels, it doesn't create a stonger person just a dependency.

Time will eventually free you from your temporary insanity, new things will find your interest, your mind is like a conveyor belt u think about whats up front until it falls off the end but when something "heavy" is on it it slows down and its the center of attention, it will get stuck in the back of your mind for awhile but dont worry someone or something will poke it through with a stick, it will fall into a box and be shipped out. Its a real pain in the balls (metaphorical balls for girls).

I guess all i can say for now is smile... smile alot, laugh at things that aren't even funny, but just the least bit amusing, enjoy your life. Do things that soothe your soul, and make you and you alone happy. That being said i'm gonna go out back and feed the geese. They amuse me...Kickin it in S.C,

Steven Gilbo